Well, it has been a while since my last post.
Lets face it, I am at a point in my life were I will have to deal with a mid life crisis soon, and will have to deal with the trials of being single.
This post may be a bit disjointed as I go a long. My mind seems to be stuck on several subjects at the same time and will not let loose enough to focus on one. So shall I speak of all of the subjects at the same time.
I'll evedn order them in a list to hopefully create some order amongst the chaos.
thought number one.
1) I am very lonely, and in my loneliness I have been starting to exclude myself from society, A hermit as you will. This is in fact a result of Amanda and not being able to connect with anyone. It sucks in this town. No one seems to be either on the same level as I, or can understand me very well. No one really has been able to connect.
2) Work, although making a ton of money, has been a little bit of a drag on me since I have been working later and later everynight. I have a feeling this is because of my willingness to take shit from most people. This will stop soon, I am taking steps to insure this.
3)School has been going really well, but I am beginning to feel the strain of life. It is affecting my work and my ability to focus and to come up with some really killer projects.
4)I have been doing some self destructive things. I need to quit. I recognize them and am unable, no, unwilling to stop them. I need to find out why.
5)I have lost focus right now, I am not myself at this moment and am loosing focus on what I should type and am thinking.
I shall finish this later. At a much later time when my schedule allows for more sleep and focus.
Later.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Man, can it get any better than this?
Sure it can. Life is what we make of it.
Some times I wonder if people are ever really able to show who they really are. I have come across so many phony people that it has become somewhat daunting to sort out who is who. Is the person I have choose to be friends with really legitimate? Most of the time, in fact 95 percent of the time the answer has been no. A big huge fat NO. Why, maybe it is my expectations of these people being more than they really are. That must be it. :-) Why else would they disappoint me? I expected something from them that they just were not.
On a brighter note, a much brighter note. Life really is good. Work is going well. Working as a server at a BBQ Restaurant is not the greatest of achievements for a 28 year old, but hell, I am still in school making something of myself. Making money to support oneself is a very important thing. It gives one a sense of power, purpose and reason. With out these important pillars I was but a shell of a man, but that has since changed and has in fact, affected every aspect of my life. School work has improved, social life has improved, and since I am working, my level of living has improved. No longer the bum that i was beginning to feel that I was. I can go out and not feel embarrassed about not having any money to party with.
Taking a print class and focusing on 2d instead of just 3d has also helped me out. It has brought a sense of renewal to school life and now I look forward to something 3 times a week. The Physical Ed classes that I took for fun has also improved the way I feel about myself. I am able to keep up with 20 year old. That makes a man who is almost 30 years old a little more happy about his situations.
It is my birthday tomorrow. so, happy birth day to me, Happy Birthday too me, happy birthday to meeeeeeeee. ya. 28, and still alive.
Some times I wonder if people are ever really able to show who they really are. I have come across so many phony people that it has become somewhat daunting to sort out who is who. Is the person I have choose to be friends with really legitimate? Most of the time, in fact 95 percent of the time the answer has been no. A big huge fat NO. Why, maybe it is my expectations of these people being more than they really are. That must be it. :-) Why else would they disappoint me? I expected something from them that they just were not.
On a brighter note, a much brighter note. Life really is good. Work is going well. Working as a server at a BBQ Restaurant is not the greatest of achievements for a 28 year old, but hell, I am still in school making something of myself. Making money to support oneself is a very important thing. It gives one a sense of power, purpose and reason. With out these important pillars I was but a shell of a man, but that has since changed and has in fact, affected every aspect of my life. School work has improved, social life has improved, and since I am working, my level of living has improved. No longer the bum that i was beginning to feel that I was. I can go out and not feel embarrassed about not having any money to party with.
Taking a print class and focusing on 2d instead of just 3d has also helped me out. It has brought a sense of renewal to school life and now I look forward to something 3 times a week. The Physical Ed classes that I took for fun has also improved the way I feel about myself. I am able to keep up with 20 year old. That makes a man who is almost 30 years old a little more happy about his situations.
It is my birthday tomorrow. so, happy birth day to me, Happy Birthday too me, happy birthday to meeeeeeeee. ya. 28, and still alive.
Monday, January 29, 2007
I am insane and withdraw access to my boom boom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9YTxff3pHU
This should explain it all :-)
Just to let you know too (Learn to Speak Body: Tape 5 satirizes the language instructional video, but instead of teaching Burmese or Bambara, it examines the grammatical intricacies of body language. Yes, in just a few easy lessons you too can learn to speak body just like humans do, as we conjugate head position, analyze the accent of a hip, and become fluent in the psychosexual syntax of the slouch. (And no, there are no Tapes 1-4.))
This should explain it all :-)
Just to let you know too (Learn to Speak Body: Tape 5 satirizes the language instructional video, but instead of teaching Burmese or Bambara, it examines the grammatical intricacies of body language. Yes, in just a few easy lessons you too can learn to speak body just like humans do, as we conjugate head position, analyze the accent of a hip, and become fluent in the psychosexual syntax of the slouch. (And no, there are no Tapes 1-4.))
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Dreams, dreams, and more dreams
I have always been one to believe that dreams play an important role in discovering who were might be. Dreams open up doors to the darker, less traveled places in our souls. I believe in a lot of strange things. Over the years I have experienced many strange occurrences that just don't add up till you add in the strange little "new age" (as some refer to it ass, if there is a better way let me know,) link.
I love dreaming, I enjoy the really strange dreams, and even the nightmares that sometimes plague me. Sometimes though there are things that bug me. Dreams that happen over and over or feel too real. I might be crazy, sure, I'll admit to it, but sometimes there are just too weird to just forget. I dream events that happen later, not really solid accounts of those events, but the core of them. Then when the event occurs I'm slapped in the face with the renewed feelings that I had int he dreams of the event. This has happened to me over and over again, from the getting together, breaking up and eventual moving of my last relationship. That was the strangest. I was standing in the bedroom of my new apartment 3 months after moving, with just a bed mattress in the floor and nothing else, when i realized I had dreamed this particular moment with the same feelings I was having then. The dream I had a year before, just 4 months into a wonderful relationship. When I had the dream it really bugged me for a week, I mean, why dream it? The dream pretty much consisted of me standing in an unfamiliar bed room with just a mattress in the floor. The feeling of extreme loneliness and that someone had left me were the main theme of the dream. That's pretty much all I had remembered from that dream. Well, I had to sit down after reliving that dream in reality. Does this seem strange to you? It should, it happens to me and I think it's very strange and weird. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone save my closest friend.
Well, onto the actual point of this post. Some of the reoccurring dreams I have are happier ones. They are dreams of me floating, flying, or controlling wind. For one solid week when I was 17 I went through a progression of dreams where I learned and concentrated on levitating myself off the floor, and eventually controlling it enough that I could fly great distances. These dreams would always wear me out physically. It felt as though I pushed everything I had through the bottom of my feet. After that week of "air training" I have always been able to fly in the dreams, and it felt real. I felt what zero G's was, and what mach 1 might feel like (where everything feels heavy). I did not fly until last year when I went to Hawaii and then to California. Never been in a plane till then and I was 26. But I was excited, The taking off of the plane felt a lot like the dreams, and when the plane hit turbulence, it felt a lot like my dreams again. :-) I ramble though again.
Back to the point. Last year when I discussed trying to find out who I am with my life couch, she suggested that I use my dreams since I seemed to be fairly connected to them. We were trying to figure out where I draw personal power from, so after that I thought about it for days and days. Then one night I dreamed about a very large fire surrounded by darkness so void of anything that you would think the fire was all that existed there. The world beyond the firelight did not exist. I stood in front of this fire for some time before a rather large dark grey wolf stepped out of the fire. I wasn't scared. The wolf's eyes were calming, intelligent and did not strike me as dangerous. When he fully emerged from the fire he sat in front of me. We both pondered each other in silence for what seemed like ages, then I just wasn't there anymore. I had lost my form and merged with the wolf and that is all I could remember from that dream. I didn't think much of the dream since i was dealing with new issues in my relationship that was failing. A week later the dream happened again, almost exactly the way it did the first time. This struck me odd a little, but the stress and pressure of my day to day life was taking a lot of my attention. A third time and I had decided that the wolf must be some form of power that I am drawing from when I discussed it with my life couch. Kinda weird since I strive so hard to not be a lone wolf in real life, I fight the urge and images of being that. but I continually do things that reinforce the lone wolf. This was a little over 8 months ago. I didn't go into researching what a wolf might mean for me, though before the end of my relationship my girlfriend had showed me that I was both a water and an air element in Chinese or Japanese energy signs. I figured I was a water since I tend be love water and am drawn to it madly. Can not keep me out of the ocean if I am within a mile of it. Two days ago my friend was just playing around on the Internet and sent me this link http://www.paulsadowski.com/BirthData.asp . The site takes your birthday and gives you all sorts of interesting and fun stuff to ponder. As with most of these sites I tend to just do and then move on. But when I plugged in my Bday info It came up with some things I already knew, but then somethings that struck me as odd.
The biggest thing what that my Native American zodiac is the wolf. So curiosity reborn in the wolf dream I followed up on the wolf thing a bit. I found all this to be pretty interesting. It reaffirms that I am a water and air person, and has hit on a lot of my qualities. So take it how ever you will, but everyday I grow closer to the conclusion that dreams are more powerful than most realize. In fact I would even be willing to say that you can do almost anything if you use your dreams.And If you don't really believe in any of this nonsense, then just do the birthday thing for fun.
I love dreaming, I enjoy the really strange dreams, and even the nightmares that sometimes plague me. Sometimes though there are things that bug me. Dreams that happen over and over or feel too real. I might be crazy, sure, I'll admit to it, but sometimes there are just too weird to just forget. I dream events that happen later, not really solid accounts of those events, but the core of them. Then when the event occurs I'm slapped in the face with the renewed feelings that I had int he dreams of the event. This has happened to me over and over again, from the getting together, breaking up and eventual moving of my last relationship. That was the strangest. I was standing in the bedroom of my new apartment 3 months after moving, with just a bed mattress in the floor and nothing else, when i realized I had dreamed this particular moment with the same feelings I was having then. The dream I had a year before, just 4 months into a wonderful relationship. When I had the dream it really bugged me for a week, I mean, why dream it? The dream pretty much consisted of me standing in an unfamiliar bed room with just a mattress in the floor. The feeling of extreme loneliness and that someone had left me were the main theme of the dream. That's pretty much all I had remembered from that dream. Well, I had to sit down after reliving that dream in reality. Does this seem strange to you? It should, it happens to me and I think it's very strange and weird. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone save my closest friend.
Well, onto the actual point of this post. Some of the reoccurring dreams I have are happier ones. They are dreams of me floating, flying, or controlling wind. For one solid week when I was 17 I went through a progression of dreams where I learned and concentrated on levitating myself off the floor, and eventually controlling it enough that I could fly great distances. These dreams would always wear me out physically. It felt as though I pushed everything I had through the bottom of my feet. After that week of "air training" I have always been able to fly in the dreams, and it felt real. I felt what zero G's was, and what mach 1 might feel like (where everything feels heavy). I did not fly until last year when I went to Hawaii and then to California. Never been in a plane till then and I was 26. But I was excited, The taking off of the plane felt a lot like the dreams, and when the plane hit turbulence, it felt a lot like my dreams again. :-) I ramble though again.
Back to the point. Last year when I discussed trying to find out who I am with my life couch, she suggested that I use my dreams since I seemed to be fairly connected to them. We were trying to figure out where I draw personal power from, so after that I thought about it for days and days. Then one night I dreamed about a very large fire surrounded by darkness so void of anything that you would think the fire was all that existed there. The world beyond the firelight did not exist. I stood in front of this fire for some time before a rather large dark grey wolf stepped out of the fire. I wasn't scared. The wolf's eyes were calming, intelligent and did not strike me as dangerous. When he fully emerged from the fire he sat in front of me. We both pondered each other in silence for what seemed like ages, then I just wasn't there anymore. I had lost my form and merged with the wolf and that is all I could remember from that dream. I didn't think much of the dream since i was dealing with new issues in my relationship that was failing. A week later the dream happened again, almost exactly the way it did the first time. This struck me odd a little, but the stress and pressure of my day to day life was taking a lot of my attention. A third time and I had decided that the wolf must be some form of power that I am drawing from when I discussed it with my life couch. Kinda weird since I strive so hard to not be a lone wolf in real life, I fight the urge and images of being that. but I continually do things that reinforce the lone wolf. This was a little over 8 months ago. I didn't go into researching what a wolf might mean for me, though before the end of my relationship my girlfriend had showed me that I was both a water and an air element in Chinese or Japanese energy signs. I figured I was a water since I tend be love water and am drawn to it madly. Can not keep me out of the ocean if I am within a mile of it. Two days ago my friend was just playing around on the Internet and sent me this link http://www.paulsadowski.com/BirthData.asp . The site takes your birthday and gives you all sorts of interesting and fun stuff to ponder. As with most of these sites I tend to just do and then move on. But when I plugged in my Bday info It came up with some things I already knew, but then somethings that struck me as odd.
The biggest thing what that my Native American zodiac is the wolf. So curiosity reborn in the wolf dream I followed up on the wolf thing a bit. I found all this to be pretty interesting. It reaffirms that I am a water and air person, and has hit on a lot of my qualities. So take it how ever you will, but everyday I grow closer to the conclusion that dreams are more powerful than most realize. In fact I would even be willing to say that you can do almost anything if you use your dreams.And If you don't really believe in any of this nonsense, then just do the birthday thing for fun.
| Birth Dates | February 19th - March 20th |
| Earth Influence | The Blustery Winds time |
| Influencing Wind | The North wind |
| Totem | Buffalo |
| Direction | The North North East Winds |
| Element | Water with Air |
| Elemental | Frog (water) Clan |
| Function | Recovery |
| Birth & Animal Totem | Wolf |
| Plant Totem | Plantain |
| Stone Totem | Jade |
| Polarity Totem | Brown Bear |
| Affinity Color | Blue Green |
| Musical Vibration | F sharp an octave above Salmon |
| Personality | Compassionate, benevolent, generous, artistic & gentle |
| Feelings | Deep |
| Intention | Understanding |
| Nature | Trusting |
| Positive Traits | Sympathetic, Adaptable, Impressionable & sensitive |
| Negative Traits | Impractical, Vague, Timid & indecisive |
| Sex Drive | Tender |
| Compatibility's | Woodpecker, Brown Bears & snakes |
| Conscious Aim | Freedom |
| Subconscious Desire | Identity |
| Life Path | Love |
| Spiritual Alchemy | Yin Predominates |
| Should Cultivate | Intuition, creativity and Understanding |
| Should Avoid | Timidity, indolence & impracticality |
Sunday, January 21, 2007
To grow strong I must end that which holds me back.
Tonight I took steps to end a relationship that has become unhealthy for me, and possible the other person. This person is my ex girlfriend who wanted to become friends again. Unfortunately the process has not been kind to me and has created more confusion than anything else. We love each other deeply still, but we can not be together no matter how much we both wished it, and we did. My heart can not stand the strain of such wishes if there isn't any progress towards what you wish for. I was also unable to maintain my boundaries with her, and so many times they became weak or broken leaving me feeling upset. I make mistakes. It comes with living life. But I will not continually make those mistakes. That is why humans and animals have the capacity to learn.
She does not know it yet. She will find out in the morning or sometime tomorrow when she finally comes home to find the letter I wrote. It was a letter of love and endings. I placed no blame in that letter, nor did I make excuses for the results of our actions and decisions. I only accepted what must be done and did it. It breaks my heart. She was the best friend I have ever had and I do not foresee anyone being that close to me for a long time. In time it will be easier to look back at this and know that it is the best decision. She will be happier and able to move on if I do this. She has the potential to be anything she wants and has friends aplenty to support her. She doesn't need me anymore. I will also be able to move on and one day smile at the memories of our time together. These memories will always be beautiful to me, even the ones that hold pain.
She does not know it yet. She will find out in the morning or sometime tomorrow when she finally comes home to find the letter I wrote. It was a letter of love and endings. I placed no blame in that letter, nor did I make excuses for the results of our actions and decisions. I only accepted what must be done and did it. It breaks my heart. She was the best friend I have ever had and I do not foresee anyone being that close to me for a long time. In time it will be easier to look back at this and know that it is the best decision. She will be happier and able to move on if I do this. She has the potential to be anything she wants and has friends aplenty to support her. She doesn't need me anymore. I will also be able to move on and one day smile at the memories of our time together. These memories will always be beautiful to me, even the ones that hold pain.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Life gets better.
Yes, life can get better! Today was the first day that I actually kept all the tip money that I made. It was a pretty easy day. Everyone I served was a blast to wait on, and very few things went wrong. The only thing I am disappointed about is that I didn't get off in time to get to the gym to work out. I can go tomorrow morning and work out.
School is going very well so far too. My physical fitness and strength training class are a welcome addition to my normal art studio class line up. I really enjoy a good work out and a lot of physical activity. The Physical fitness course is through the military science department which makes the class almost like a mini civilian boot camp. :-) After class on Friday the Sargent asked for people to play a couple games of basketball. Normally I would have declined, but as I stated in the previous postings, I am making some changes. So I played, and enjoyed myself. I worked up a great sweat and met some new people.
My thoughts on the military have always been skewed to say the least. My father and mother are both military brats, and my father served. His time in the military was not kind to him, and he has never really been one to speak highly of it. I do have other family members who have served as well, and do not talk badly of it. My brother was also part of the JR OTC in high school, so you can imaging me growing up a little confused on the subject. My fathers opinions were a strong influence on me and eventually turned me sour on military. Now though, after meeting some people in the ROTC program at ETSU and seeing some results in an adult perspective has made me think twice. One of the biggest things I see is that the military and related programs do give an individual a feeling of purpose. Those people seem to know what they are and where they stand. That can be a powerful force in someones life, if you know who, where and what you are, then you have somewhere to start when deciding what you will be. I on the other hand have never felt that purpose in life. Where I stand, who I am and what I am have always been unclear to me and have prevented me from moving forward as quickly as I would like. I no longer look badly at the military, not to say there is completely nothing wrong with the system in some way, but over all. There is always something wrong with everything you think of in some way. I am looking forward to learning some things from these guys, these men of men. If not learn, then at least find where I stand and where my place might be, then I can build from there.
All my other classes are great as well. My print class is giving me a way to release my drawing skills into finished pieces. I tend not to finish any of my drawings, but with print I can take those unfinished drawings and translate them into finished prints. More on the subject of school later.
Another first for me is that I threw a get together at my apartment last night and it went really well. I had 5 of my friends come over and we ate pizzas, and watched Fearless. Good times, good times. I made a special vegan pizza for me and another friend who was on a diet and it turned out great. I will definitely do that more often, possible once a month. Now that I am also making some money, I will start hanging out with friends more.
Well. that's the scoop for now. I will post some images of things I am working on in my studio classes for all to see later on. Taataa for now.
School is going very well so far too. My physical fitness and strength training class are a welcome addition to my normal art studio class line up. I really enjoy a good work out and a lot of physical activity. The Physical fitness course is through the military science department which makes the class almost like a mini civilian boot camp. :-) After class on Friday the Sargent asked for people to play a couple games of basketball. Normally I would have declined, but as I stated in the previous postings, I am making some changes. So I played, and enjoyed myself. I worked up a great sweat and met some new people.
My thoughts on the military have always been skewed to say the least. My father and mother are both military brats, and my father served. His time in the military was not kind to him, and he has never really been one to speak highly of it. I do have other family members who have served as well, and do not talk badly of it. My brother was also part of the JR OTC in high school, so you can imaging me growing up a little confused on the subject. My fathers opinions were a strong influence on me and eventually turned me sour on military. Now though, after meeting some people in the ROTC program at ETSU and seeing some results in an adult perspective has made me think twice. One of the biggest things I see is that the military and related programs do give an individual a feeling of purpose. Those people seem to know what they are and where they stand. That can be a powerful force in someones life, if you know who, where and what you are, then you have somewhere to start when deciding what you will be. I on the other hand have never felt that purpose in life. Where I stand, who I am and what I am have always been unclear to me and have prevented me from moving forward as quickly as I would like. I no longer look badly at the military, not to say there is completely nothing wrong with the system in some way, but over all. There is always something wrong with everything you think of in some way. I am looking forward to learning some things from these guys, these men of men. If not learn, then at least find where I stand and where my place might be, then I can build from there.
All my other classes are great as well. My print class is giving me a way to release my drawing skills into finished pieces. I tend not to finish any of my drawings, but with print I can take those unfinished drawings and translate them into finished prints. More on the subject of school later.
Another first for me is that I threw a get together at my apartment last night and it went really well. I had 5 of my friends come over and we ate pizzas, and watched Fearless. Good times, good times. I made a special vegan pizza for me and another friend who was on a diet and it turned out great. I will definitely do that more often, possible once a month. Now that I am also making some money, I will start hanging out with friends more.
Well. that's the scoop for now. I will post some images of things I am working on in my studio classes for all to see later on. Taataa for now.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Sometimes it's hard.
Everyday I struggle with the thoughts that I might not be good enough to achieve my goals in life. Slowly I deal with this and improve my outlook on the subject. Just a few moments ago I had those thoughts. Then I realized that out of my family, I am the first to actually have a desire to be something and am going to school to become that. I also realized that being the first, a sort of trail blazer is difficult when not having something to base your success on. Growing up within a family that didn't go or finish college can be a little discouraging. Being the first and having a sibling not able to go to college has landed a lot of expectation into my lap. This has added a lot of stress to being successful. I feel that if I don't graduate, I will be letting the family down. Talk about no pressure at all. :-\ At the same time I do feel that I am special in that respect. Being the first to finish college and to obtain two degrees will be a great achievement. :-) I do feel a sense of responsibility to raise my blood line up one more notch on the social level. For myself, my parents, my children, and their children. Like I said, no pressure at all.
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